Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR61-70/hum070

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-26 | 123KB

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Date:         Sat, 26 Mar 1994 06:43:19 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00070"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 16:20:50 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR 50 article limit

On Wednesday at 4 PM EST USA HUMOR locked for the day because we hit the
50 article limit which I set for the list. This excessive amount of mail
was caused by so-called friends posting comments about people signing off
and people telling musical condom jokes. Several of the people who were
signing off were nice enough to post a substantial example of humor with
their signoff request. Our friends are killing this list.

Here is the way things work. This message along with whatever other
HUMOR mail collects between now and tomorrow when I unlock the list
will count against our 50 article limit for Thursday. If you want to be
contributor to HUMOR and if you want to insure the welfare of HUMOR,
please carefully consider the following rules:



What are the purposes for HUMOR's rules?

1) Five rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
     Only substantial examples of humor should be posted.
     Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should not be posted.
     One contribution per day (no exceptions).
     No personal attacks (talk about generating unwanted traffic).
     Articles should normally be shorter than 50 lines.

2) Two rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
     Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
     Subject line should include warning if content is potentially offensive.
     (If you read it after being warned, you have no grounds for complaint).

Obligatory humor:

Rene Descartes was drinking at his favorite watering hole. He was having a
really good time, maybe too good of a time. The barkeeper came up to him
and asked, Mr. Descartes would you care for another beer. Rene, he thinks
about that and is a bit annoyed since he's been drinking white wine.

Descartes finally answers, "I THINK NOT." <Poof!> No more Descartes. :-)

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
Tips on controlling your HUMOR mail: If your subscription is from a
BITNET site, address mail or commands to <[e-mail]>; all
others should use the INTERNET address <[e-mail]>. To
request special assistance, write the listowner. Humor should be
sent to HUMOR@... To control your mail send LISTSERV@... the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR
MAIL, if you want to receive mail as it is posted; SET HUMOR DIGEST
if you want to receive HUMOR once a day; SET HUMOR INDEX, if you
only want to receive the DIGEST table of contents (you can download
articles separately); SET HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting
privileges or if you prefer to access HUMOR by downloading archived
files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to leave this list. HUMOR is archived in
3000 line logs; to get log numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR
to LISTSERV@... Never reply-to DIGEST or INDEX as that reply will
be posted to HUMOR with an invalid subject line. Since all
privileges on HUMOR are private to list members, you must address
the LISTSERV from your registered address. If that address changes,
you will need to change it here--if you want automatic services
from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 14:41:02 -0700
Reply-To:     Jeremy Stallard <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeremy Stallard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Leprosy

Did you hear about the Lepor Hockey game ?

There was a face off in the corner.

About the Lepor Football Game?

There was an hand-off right before halftime.

  ******************************************************************
  *     Jeremy Stallard         |      Brigham Young University    *
  *  [e-mail]      |         Telephone Services       *
  *      [phone]         |   Computer Support \ Programmer  *
  ******************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 15:25:23 CST
Reply-To:     Matt=Campbell%Eng=Dev%DV3=[e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Matt Campbell <Matt=Campbell%Eng=Dev%DV3=[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gang Test

City of East Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam


Name:__________________________  Gang: ______________________


1.  Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip.  If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by
shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2.  Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram.  What is the street value of
the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3.  Rufus is pimping for three girls.  If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his
$800 per day crack habit?

4.  Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?

5.  Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many chevy's will he have
to steal to make $800?

6.  Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder.  He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money
will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get
for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7.  If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans
of paint?

8.  Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang.  There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9.  Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She
gets $234 a month welfare for each child.  If her $235 per month rent
goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with  expenses?

10.  Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at
$25,000.  If he pays a bail bondsman 12%% and returns to Mexico, how
much money will he lose for jumping bail?

=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 14:22:29 -0700
Reply-To:     Jeremy Stallard <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jeremy Stallard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Texans

> If Texans were supposed to ski, God would have made Bullshit white!
>
> Do you know how to get from Colorado to Texas???
>     (who cares...?)
>
>         Head South until you smell it...
>         turn East til you step in it!!!
>
>             Sorry Lone Star ...had to be said.

That's another thing about Texans.  Did you ever notice how every one
of them say that the best thing they like about Texas is that it's
sooo big, and everything there is so large?
    I don't know, maybe coming from Alaska has given me the warped
image of Texas as "that little state down south with a little bit of
oil" but are there any other opinions out there?

    Obligatory joke :
        There were two texan ranchers discussing the size of their
properties.  The first one says that he can get on his horse and ride
for a day and a half and still not reach the far side.
    The other one, not to be put out, states, "Yea, well I can get in
my truck and drive for 3 days and still not reach the other side."
    In which the first texan replies, "Oh, so you've got a FORD also,
huh?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 10:16:46 MEX
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Antonio Oliveros <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be ofensive to Italians? Some language.

You have to read this with italian accent, i hope it wasn't posted before, it's
 a little bit old.

     I am an Italiano.

     One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning i go down to eat breakfas
t. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss, I te
lla her I want two piss. She say go to the toilett. I say you no understand, I
wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna m
a bitch. I don't even know the ladie and she call me sonna ma bitch.

     Latter I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitres brings me a spoon
and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everione wanna foc
k. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better
 not fock in the table, you sonna ma bitch.

     So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shit onna my bed. Call
the managerand tella him i wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you
no understand, I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you
 sonna ma bitch!.

     I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you."
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.


Hope you enjoyed it!

     //////
    //  00
    |@   >
-oOo------oOo-----------------------------------------------------------
| Antonio Oliveros F.             |                                    |
| Sinior Computer Science Student |                                    |
| Iberoamericana University (UIA) | >>>> Post your own quote here <<<< |
| Mexico City                     |                                    |
| Internet: [e-mail] |                                    |
------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 16:12:00 EST
Reply-To:     JB4144 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JB4144 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A quote for the day!

Next to being shot and missed, nothing is quite as satisfing as as
                          income tax refund!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 14:07:20 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         List John Hinkle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      space shuttle, tylenol and old walrus...

*** sorry this is out dated... i'm sure you will get it ***

Q: what do the space shuttle, tylenol and an old walrus have in common?

A: they all need a tight seal
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 22:32:22 -0800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jesus Sandoval <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mama Jokes

I too would like a list, or compile a list, of MAMA JOKES. If you have heard of
any, please send them to my E-mail address, and NOT the HUMOR list.

Much Obliged,

Jesus Sandoval
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 14:48:44 GMT+800
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Richard Czerwonka <[e-mail]>
Organization: Edith Cowan University
Subject:      Re: A COUNTRY LIST...

> "IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?"
> "LOOKING THROUGH THE KNOT-HOLE IN MY GRANDPA'S WOODEN LEG"
> "I FOUND ANOTHER MAN'S HAIR IN MY RAZOR"

How about:

"I'D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL LABOTOMY"




+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=.=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
=  Richard Czerwonka, Programmer        |                                +
+  Edith Cowan University,              | "Windows are for losers,       =
=  Pearson Street, Churchlands WA 6018  |  Winners use the door,         +
+  Australia                            |  So use it , Rosie             =
=                                       |  That's what it's there for"   +
+   Phone: [phone]                |     - Rosalita                 =
=     FAX: [phone]                |         (Bruce Springsteen)    +
+  E-Mail: [e-mail]     |                                =
=                                       |                                +
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+='=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
=  Opinions expressed here are all mine and nobody elses, especially not +
+  my employers (I don't know what they are anyway!)                     =
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 08:05:00 CET-1DST
Reply-To:     Micke <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Micke <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Boras, Sweden
Subject:      Musical Condom

Ok, here goes:

   "Born to be wild" - <not realy sure who>

   "Amazing" - Areosmith

   "Lollypop" - <Classic from the 50-60's>




----------------------------------------------------------------------

               Directed by:

               Micke ([e-mail])

Here is something from the next episode:

    A humgry man is not a free man.
                         - Adlai Stevenson

Comming soon to a mailbox near you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 01:10:35 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Craig Dodge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Obscure joke

I heard this in an episode of Dr. Who:

'Eureka' is greek for 'This bath is too hot'.

---------------
If you didn't get it, it has to do with the story of Archimedes getting an idea
 and running out of the bath yelling 'Eureka!'

---------------------------------------------------
CRAIG DODGE
[e-mail]
----------------------------------------------------
BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 12:55:59 +0200
Reply-To:     Shechter Galit <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Shechter Galit <[e-mail]>
Subject:      condoms

how about "there's a hole in the bucket"?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 12:03:15 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Wine making

> You simply mail yourself ten pounds of grapes
> in a container marked "Fragile".


If you want it well aged, send it "Next Day" delivery.

If you want vintage port, send it "Same Day" delivery.

If you want champagne, send it "Air Mail".

For Retsina, affix a "Poison" label to the outside.

For Scotch whiskey, don't put any stamps on the parcel.

For Irish, send it to the wrong address.

For 'Red Stripe' lager, send it DHL.

I think you've had enough. I certainly have!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 16:20:04 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Story of Babel according to a mathematician

THE STORY OF BABEL:

In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they
grew to large numbers and prospered.

One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical
edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further
up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the
weight of paradox.

The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians
climbed out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was
killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all
surprises! they could not understand each other.  They all spoke
different languages.  They all fought amongst themselves and each went
about their own way.  To this day the Topologists remain the original
Mathematicians.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 15:46:34 EST
Reply-To:     DAN DEANGELIS <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         DAN DEANGELIS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE humor
In-Reply-To:  Your message of Thu, 10 Mar 1994 00:00:12 -0500

Q: How many attempts at incorrectly UNSUBSCRIBING does it take to
   actually UNSUBSCRIBE?

A: Hopefully just one!

 - - - -

Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


+------------------------+---------------------------------------------+
! Dan DeAngelis          !                                             !
! < DDEANGEL@PSUHMC >    ! "To Hell with famous quotes and proverbs."  !
! HERSHEY MEDICAL CENTER !                         - Me                !
! Penn State University  !                                             !
+------------------------+---------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 14:55:24 -0500
Reply-To:     Brent Pierce <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Brent Pierce <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE

I don't know if this was on here or not, but I just got it from a friend
so I thought I would pass it along!

----Brent

===============================================================================
                        BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
================================================================================

Dear Friend(s),

We have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee for raising five
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in
Washington, D.C.

This Committee was in a quandry as to where to place the statue.  It was not
wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie,
nor beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Clinton could never
tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he was going, and did not know
where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all on
borrowed money.

Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 5000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the
price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.  If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous
contribution to this worthwhile project.


Fraternally,

BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE


P.S.  It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 15:16:11 EST
Reply-To:     JOHN STONE <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN STONE <[e-mail]>
Organization: US ARMY SIMA-EAST
Subject:      CLEAN DEFINITION

LAN MASS: THE WEIGHT OF YOUR NETWORK MANAGER.

LATER
JS
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 13:43:13 CST
Reply-To:     Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Resent-From: Patrick Crispen <PCRISPE1@UA1VM>
From:         Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Guitar player joke

 Q. What's the difference between a guitar player and a Savings Bond?
 A. The Savings Bond will eventually mature and make money.

______________________________________________________________________

   I HAVE THE MARS OBSERVER, AND         PATRICK CRISPEN
   I AM NOT RETURNING IT UNTIL I         [e-mail]
   GET AN "A" IN ASTRONOMY!              THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA
______________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 12:45:00 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Susan Todd <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ANIMALS

What do you get when you cross five (5) female pigs with
five (5) male deer?
.

.

.

.

.





Ten (10) sows and bucks
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 13:31:05 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Condom Song

            Maybe for a broken condom the song could be:

                "Another One Bites the Dust"--Queen

---------------
Mike
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 13:18:38 -0500
Reply-To:     Jerry Rafats <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jerry Rafats <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Voo Doo (fwd)

I say lets sink voodoo in doo doo and everybody on the Humor list serve
send the message back to the sender--that is unless you are afraid that
God will strike you dead for doing so.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 9 Mar 1994 17:07:08 -0500
From: Jerry Rafats <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR <[e-mail]>
Subject: Voo Doo (fwd)

This is humorous?  It's idiotic!!!  Let the voo doo sink in its own doo doo.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 9 Mar 1994 15:03:47 -0500
From: Nicole L. Farmer <[e-mail]>
To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR <[e-mail]>
Subject: Voo Doo

>
> >>         \\\|||///                \\\|||///                \\\|||///
> >>       .  =======               .  =======               .  =======
> >>      / \| O   O |             / \| O   O |             / \| O   O |
> >>      \ /  \v_'/                \ / \v_'/                \ / \v_'/
> >>       #   _| |_                #   _| |_                #   _| |_
> >>      (#) (     )              (#) (     )              (#) (     )
> >>       #\//|* *|\\              #\//|* *|\\              #\//|* *|\\
> >>       #\/(  *  )/              #\/(  *  )/              #\/(  *  )/
> >>       #   =====                #   =====                #   =====
> >>       #   (\ /)                #   (\ /)                #   (\ /)
> >>       #   || ||                #   || ||                #   || ||
> >>      .#---'| |----.           .#---'| |----.           .#---'| |----.
> >>       #----' -----'            #----' -----'            #----' ------'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>  This message has been sent to you for good luck. The original
> >> is in New England.  It has been sent around the world nine times. The
> >> luck has now been sent to you.You will receive good luck within four
> >> days of receiving this message - Provided you, in turn send it on.
> >> This is no joke. You will receive good luck in the mail. But no money.
> >> Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don't send money as
> >> fate has no price.Do not keep this message. This message must leave your
> >> hands in 96 hours.
> >> A United States Air Force Officer received 470,000 Dollars.
> >> Another Man received 40,000 Dollars and lost it because he broke the chain.

> >> Whereas in the Philippines, Gene Welch lost his wife 51 days after
> >> receiving the message. He failed to circulate the message. However,
> >> before his death, he received 7,555,000 dollars.
> >> Please send twenty copies and see what happen in four days.
> >> The chain comes from Venezuela and has written by Saul De Groda,
> >>  A Missionary from South America. Since the copy must tour
> >> the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to friends and
> >> associates - After a few days you will get a surprise
> >> - This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
> >> Do not the following: Constantine Dias received this chain in 1958. He
> >> asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days
> >> later he won a lottery of two million dollars. Carlos Daditt, an office
> >> employee, received the message and forgot that it had to leave his
> >> hands in 96 hours.He lost his job.
> >> Later, after finding that message again, He mailed twentycopies. A few days

> >> later he got a better job.  Dalan Fairchild received the message and, not
> >> believing - Threw the message away. Nine days later he died.
> >> In 1987, The message received by a young woman in California
> >> was very faded and barely readable. She promised herself that she would
> >> retype the message and send it on, But she set it aside to do it later.
> >> She was plagued with various problems, including expensive car repairs.
> >> The letter did not leave her hands within 96 hours. She finally typed the
> >> letter as promised and got a new car.
> >> Good Luck but please remember: 20 copies of this message must leave your
> >>hands
> >
> >> in  96 hours... You must not sign on this message...
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 11:57:05 CST
Reply-To:     Kirk Miller <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kirk Miller <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ASCII
In-Reply-To:  Your message of Wed, 9 Mar 1994 17:20:34 -0700

On Wed, 9 Mar 1994 17:20:34 -0700 you said:
>> Does anybody know about an Internet list for ASCII Drawings ?
>> Please send any answers to:
>>
>>             [e-mail]
>>
>> Thanks in advance,
>>
>>
>> Alfredo.
>
>HEY! Me too, if it's not too much trouble! Thanks ever so much for the
>trouble...
>        [e-mail]
>
>        Kirk

  Me Three. if you don't mind. Thanks!!!

          [e-mail]


    KIRK M.

         _/   _/    __     _/_/       _/   _/    __/
        _/  _/     /_/    _/  _/     _/  _/     __/    JERRY KIRK MILLER
       _/ _/      /_/    _/   _/    _/ _/      __/          "KIRK"
      _/_/              _/   _/    _/_/       __/
     _ _/       __/    _/_/_/     _ _/       __/        JMILLER1@UA1VM
    _/ _/      __/    _/ _/      _/ _/              [e-mail]
   _/  _/     __/    _/  _/     _/  _/     __/          JMILLER1@UA1IX
  _/   _/    __/    _/   _/    _/   _/    __/       [e-mail]


          The best things in life are always free.....
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 18:24:02 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grazio Falzon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

This is my first posting and I'm very nervous....!!!!

GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
    who fax complete strangers every day.

Q.  My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only
    allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do
    you think someone should be before they can fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age once you have learned the correct
    procedures.

Q.  If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place down the street where I can go and pay for fax. Is
    this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for the fax drive and must pay
    a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great.

Q.  Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A.  Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
    be used to insure safe fax.

Q.  What happens when I do the procedure incorrectly and I fax prematur
    ely?
A.  Don't panic! Many people fax prematurely the first time they fax or
    when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people
    won't mind if you try again.

Q.  I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed
    up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
   each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

FAX IT SAFE ---- PRACTISE SAFE FAX

Grazio
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 15:26:00 PST
Reply-To:     "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FW: strange specs never change or die

> US Standard Railroad Gauge
>            or
> How MilSpecs Live Forever
> --------------------------
>
> The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 ft 8 1/2
> in (1.44 m).  That's an exceedingly odd number.
>
> Why is that gauge used?  Because that's the way they built them in
England,
> and the US railroads were built by English ex patriots.
>
> Why did the English build 'em like that?  Because the first rail lines
were
> built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
> the gauge they used.
>
> Why did *they* use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the
> tramways used the same jigs and tools as they used for building wagons,
> which used that wheel spacing.
>
> OK!  Why did the wagons use that wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried to
use
> any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance
> roads, because that's the spacing of the ruts.
>
> So who built these old rutted roads?  The first long distance roads in
> Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.  The
> roads have been used ever since.
>
> And the ruts?  The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear
> of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.  Since
the
> chariots were made by or for Imperial Rome they were all alike in the
> matter of wheel spacing (ruts again).
>
> Thus we have the answer to the original question.
>
> The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 ft 8 1/2 in derives from
the
> original military specification (MilSpec) for an Imperial Roman army war
> chariot.  MisSpecs (and bureaucracies) live forever!
>
> ------------------------------


> Fascinating. I showed this to my wife, medieval studies major and
> horsewoman, who points out that the spacing of wheels on the Roman
> chariot was like as not dictated by the width of the yoke that attached
> the chariot to the horse, and the need to keep the wheel ruts well out
> of the path of the loose earth the hooves are kicking up.
>
> Thus, the gauge of the Iron Horse might be in fact derived from the
> width of the standard Roman warhorse.
>

Reminds you of other unnamed specs now doesn't it?
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 17:37:53 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Administrivia

This is from Mike Muegel, the guy at Motorola that runs the actual listproc
software:

The Letterman list was off the air for a bit because the subscriber
database got nuked by our mailing list software. The database has
been restored and only a few people who subscribed on 3/4 may have been
lost.

Regards,
-Mike

--
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Michael S. Muegel                    | Internet E-Mail:    [e-mail] |
| UNIX Applications Startup Group      | Moto Dist E-Mail:   X10090          |
| Corporate Information Office         | Voice:              [phone]  |
| Motorola                             | Fax:                [phone]  |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 17:58:53 -0600
Reply-To:     John Tomas 'oNoFFoFFoN' <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         John Tomas 'oNoFFoFFoN' <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: foul language
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

>Grafitti on bathroom wall att National Institutes of Health during Nixon
>Administration.

>"If you voted for Nixon you can't shit here because your asshole is in
>the Whitehouse"
>
>"Don't poo poo me, I'm urine."

Found in SanFranciso acid club 1971:

"Why change Dicks in the middle of a screw, vote for Nixon in '72."
                        john
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 19:50:24 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Grazio Falzon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ref: Guide to Safe Fax

I've just been told that someone else had posted the Guide to Safe
Fax Febr. 14. Sorry guys!

Grazio
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 19:27:55 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jennifer Williams <[e-mail]>
Subject:      general audiences

    This was told to me by a coworker.

    A string walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer.  The
bartender looked at him and said "hey, your a string.  We dont serve your kind
here.  Get out!".  The string left, but returned the next day, went to
another bartender and asked for a beer.  The other bartender was about to pour
the beer when he noticed the nature of his customer.  "You are a string.  I am
sorry, but we cannot serve strings here."  So the string went outside and
pulled apart his strands and messed himself up and then reentered the bar.  The
bartender recognized him immediately.  "Aren't you the string I just asked to
leave?"  The string replied "No, I am a frayed knot.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:54:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean humour from the Hong Kong newspaper

Extracts from "Only in Hong Kong" by Nury Vittachi from his
newspaper column Lai See, which published stuff sent in by
readers:

Sign in a lift: "If the lift breaks down, please do not handle
yourself."


toy store; "STUFF SANTA CLAUSE"

on a piece of paper: "Rush fiercely along the periods"
(presumably a literal translation of "Tear along the dotted
line".

sign on a South Pacific airline door: "EMERGENCY EXIT Crew Use
Only"

sign on the *inside* of a toilet door: "Save Paper   Use the hot
air dryers"

special offer in an earring shop: "Buy one, get one free"

Sign outside a local restaurant: "Nighty open"

Sign outside The Four Sisters Topless Bar and Nightclub: "No
cover charge"

On an Indian restaurant: "WE NEVER CLOSE! Business Hours: 12.00-
2.30pm    6.00-10.30pm"

Advertisement for an assistant architect: "CAD is preferred but
not essential"

Outside a watch shop: "Our watches go fast."

Publicity leaflet for a chain of laundry shops: "Clean Living,
with 26 branches, has a main lavatory in Hunghom where all their
laundry is washed every day."

Mike R
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:05:42 -0500
Reply-To:     Michael Nelson <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael Nelson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      My tastless message...

Sorry.  Didn't mean to offend anyone.  If I did offend you, you have
my deepest apologies.  I am truely sorry.  If you liked it, you're welcome!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:19:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bob Turak <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pretty clean stuff

Did you hear about the woman who backed into the helicopter blade?

disaster


I believe in the honor system.

Once you're on her, stay on her..
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 20:18:45 -0600
Reply-To:     "Brian M. Weis" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Brian M. Weis" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Singing Jokes

What you can say to someone who is singing annoyingly:

1)
        You: Hey, buddy what happened to the money?
        Singer: What money?
        You: The money your mother spent on sing lessons!!! *Laugh*

****They get better... keep reading!!!!

2)
        You: Hey, buddy why don't you try singing solo.
        Singer: Solo?
        You: So Low (solo) I can't hear you! *Laugh*

3)
        You: Hey, buddy why don't you try singing tener.
        Singer: Tener?
        You: Ten or (tener) twenty miles from here! *Laugh*
4)
        You: Hey, buddy who sings that song?
        Singer: <Resonse>
        You: Let's keep it that way!!! *Don't Laugh it wasn't funny!*

*** If anyone knows of any good singer rips let me know-because my roommate
thinks he can sing and I need all the reinforcement to convince him
otherwise!

[e-mail]    Thanks!



See ya!
Brian.    //////
          ||| oo
          |@   )
             -
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:41:48 EST
Reply-To:     MICHAEL KENT SCHWARTZ <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MICHAEL KENT SCHWARTZ <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Condom Song

please unsubscribe
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 20:45:47 CST
Reply-To:     Erik Dufek x5-8264 <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Erik Dufek x5-8264 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE humor

> I would appreciate it if someone would get me off, but wouldn't we all!
> really I can't keep up with mail volume so I need to be removed.
>
> Karl Ritter
> [e-mail]

Anyone got a bottle of "karl remover" handy?

eriK ([e-mail])
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:47:41 EST
Reply-To:     MICHAEL KENT SCHWARTZ <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MICHAEL KENT SCHWARTZ <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE HUMOR

PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:45:16 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Stephan Peterson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: UNSUBSCRIBE

PLEASE SIGN ME OFF THIS LIST.  STEPHAN PETERSON
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 11:08:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "ROBERT BUTCHER (CCE)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "ROBERT BUTCHER (CCE)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Risque Flowers

Since Spring is about to spring (well in the Northern Hemispere anyway) I was
reminded of this golden oldie:

Q. What is better that daffodils on the piano?

A. Tuilips on the organ.


Bob
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 23:29:07 -0500
Reply-To:     Nisheeth Vijay Parekh <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nisheeth Vijay Parekh <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer Jokes

I found this in a copy of a story from The Hartford Courant Co. paper that was
posted in the anesthesiology resident's lounge.


What do you call it when five lawyers are up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

There was a terrible tragedy the other day.  A busload of lawyers went off a
cliff.  And there were two empty seats!

What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay?
A good start.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

It was so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

A lawyer is settling accounts with his client.  "Let's do it this way," he
says, "pay me $1500 down and $250 a month."
"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."
"You are!"

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off after you're dead.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.  One to climb the ladder.  One to shake it.  And one to sue the ladder
company.


Nisheeth Parekh, MD2B
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 00:42:37 -0500
Reply-To:     $[e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Pauline Pantel <$[e-mail]>
Subject:      Spew synonyms

I guess we've stayed up for too many nights in a row, but we have
a request for words and phrases for vomit.  (ANd the act thereof.)
Please forgive us.

Here's what we have so far:
Spew
blow chunks.
technicolour yawn
driving the porcelain bus
praying to the porcelain god
throw up
puke
heave
spit up
up-chuck
ralph
honk

We're really sorry if we've offended anyone.

---Sherianne & Pauline---
   $[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Mar 1994 07:29:15 EDT
Reply-To:     telkom06![e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Pos <telkom06![e-mail]>
Subject:      Some handy insults

-------------------------------------------------------------
Handy Insults
-------------

Anything preying on your mind would starve to death.

You're an honest man and I'm a liar.

Everyone enjoys looking at you.  It gives everyone pleasure to
see someone uglier than themselves.

I don't think you should worry about your looks.  You've suffered
enough already.

Why don't you start neglecting your appearance?  Then maybe it'll
go away.

You have a face like a wedding cake left out in the rain.

(Said to a man): Who said femininity in South Africa is dead.
Just look at you.

If you want a free granite headstone when you die, have them bury
you up to your neck.

You could turn every stomach in a herd of camels.

I'd like to make you writhe.  But that's your natural mode of
travel anyway.

You'll never have a second childhood.  You never left your first.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 00:34:33 PST
Reply-To:     Dead Meat <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dead Meat <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms

You forgot "Hurl"!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 02:38:40 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)

Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline.  We suggest you
skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should
simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON.  If you haven't got time to read
the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON.  On your way to POST THE
COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY
A COMPAQ.  This will save you the price of a stamp.

HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM.  Buy two greyhounds,
name one COMPAQ and the other IBM.  Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on
old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings.  After a month, enter both in
the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30%
faster than IBM.  Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided,
but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.

PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS.  (Picture of statue w/o arms
or legs is shown at left.)  This is what happens to computer operators
who lose all the data on an important disk.  Protect yourself with a
built-in tape back-up safety system.  Too bad if you own an IBM or some
other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.

SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD.
Sorry.  Wrong.  Terribly sorry.  Sorry to disappoint those of you who
were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact
the result of a silly spelling mistake.  Instead of softwear, please read
software.  Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find
listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers.  So sorry.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ?  By sheer
coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants
who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet.  Nearly 100%.  For
further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.

BYTES OF RAM.  The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM.  IBM's
PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble.  Cheez, even our carry-away
Portable does 2.6 megabytes.

THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR.  At last, a monitor lizard that can display
both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen.
IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics.
More details from our sales reptiles.  Contact them on 01-940 8860.

SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1.  Let one ant equal one byte of information.
COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little
blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can).  Now calculate how many ants
are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.

FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.
 ______________________________________________________________________
|                                                                      |
| TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR.        |
| I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are  |
| more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
| mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good,    |
| otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it   |
| COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
| bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got    |
| absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always        |
| knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
| so rush me more details of your marvelous computers.                 |
|                                                                      |
| Name _______________________________________________________________ |
| Company_____________________________________________________________ |
| Inside Leg_________________  Favourite Singer_______________________ |
| Address_____________________________________________________________ |
|                                                                      |
| AMAZING FREE OFFER.  We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY  |
| FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds.                               |
|                                                                      |
| (  ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle.                          |
|______________________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 21:27:33 EDT
Reply-To:     telkom06![e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Pos <telkom06![e-mail]>
Subject:      Caveman Joke

Rule: only one joke per day.
Justification for two jokes today: Link to US of A down for 5 days
(causing Ping-Pong effect with mail - sorry list manager).



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Prehistoric man did not associate childbearing with intercourse

     because of the long delay between the two events.

     He did, however, understand the hair on his palms.


-----
Jason
-----
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Mar 1994 21:14:25 EDT
Reply-To:     telkom06![e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Pos <telkom06![e-mail]>
Subject:      Definitions for SH*TLIST

Hi, the ...ism sh*t definitions are causing me a pain in the ars*.
Here are some REAL definitions that I obtained from BOMBED OUT BBS
in the Orange Free State - Sysop Charl Cilliers.

THE SHIT LIST (DEFINITIONS) ---------------------------

Ghost Shit -- You know you've shit.  There's shit on the
toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.

Teflon Coated Shit -- Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that
you don't even feel it.  No traces of shit on the toilet
paper.  You have to look for the shit in the toilet to be sure
you did it.

Gooey Shit -- This has the consistency of hot tar.  You wipe
your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean.  You end up
putting toilet paper in you underwear so you don't stain it.
This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit -- You're all done wiping you ass and
you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got to
shit more.

Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -- This is the kind of shit
that killed Elvis.  It just doesn't want to come out until
you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so
hard.

Richard Simmons Shit -- You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.

Right Now Shit -- You better be within 30 seconds a toilet.
Usually it has it's head out before you get your pants down.

Green Shit -- Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -- This shit is so big that
you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into
smaller chunks.  A coat hanger works well.  This kind of shit
usually happens at someone else's house.

Cork Shit -- (Also known as Floaters) Even after the third
flush, it's still floating in there.  My God!  How do I get
rid of it?!  This shit also usually happens at someone else's
house.

Wet Cheeks Shit -- This shit hits the water sideways and makes
a BIG splash that gets your ass all wet.

Wish Shit -- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few
times, but no shit.

Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -- You wish you'd gotten a
spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit -- This shit is fairly soft and about as big around
as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.

Mexican Food Shit -- (Also Called Screamers) You'll know it's
alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit -- This happens the day after the night
before.  Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this
shit is BAD!  Usually there's someone standing outside waiting
to use the bathroom.  This kind of shit also usually happens
at someone else's house.

_____
Jason
-----
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Mar 1994 21:21:44 EDT
Reply-To:     telkom06![e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jason Pos <telkom06![e-mail]>
Subject:      Handy Insults (2) - CLEAN

Hi,
First of all something funny but true - Being on the other side of the
world from America it is possible to send articles on two different days
but still have them arrive on the same day in America (even if they
arrive with no delay).  Does Bill take this into account?

... but now onto some more handy insults...

Handy Insults
-------------

It's a sin to waste food.  So please stop eating!

I hear you have to do everything around your house.  Kick the
dog, thrash the kids, beat the wife.

You're the last man I expected to see ---- or wanted to see.

You give a lot of free advice.  It's good you only charge what
it's worth.

I don't think you'll ever be fired from the job of living.  You
look as though you've too much seniority.

You should be proud of your face.  It has obviously given you a
lot of wear.

You never seem to look any older.  I guess it's just not
possible.

You look old enough to be your own father.

Your ancestors evolved from hanging from trees by their tails to
hanging by their necks.

I hear you traced your genealogy back to royalty.  Let me guess
at King Kong.

Anyone counting noses would surely count yours as more than one.

You've got an ugly nose.  But it is better looking than the rest
of your face.

** You've had a free ride all your life --- on the rear legs of
a horse.

-----
Jason
-----   South Africa (boy, am I living in interesting times)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 12:34:14 +0200
Reply-To:     Mark Sturrock <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mark Sturrock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive To rape victim's

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex.?!












A: A Rape Victim.!

 ____________________   .    .   __  .      .  | Mark Sturrock
 \______Acme-Inc_____|) .____.--"--"---._____  | [e-mail]
      .      ||  .   /-----._________.----/    |
  .   /=======||====/___/   .   "--" .     .   | I didn't write it, Nobody saw
    . \==\____________|(-      .         .     | me write, Can't prove a thing.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 07:56:36 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Karen Davis <[e-mail]>
Organization: Indiana University of Pennsylvania
Subject:      Unsubscribe

Please take me off this list.  It takes up too much space.  Thank you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:41:38 -0500
Reply-To:     Michael Kapfer <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael Kapfer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unsub suggession +  humor (cryptic statement)

Suggesstion:  Bill - you should unsubscribe EVERYONE this Monday from the
humor list.  Warn everyone first - and include instructions on how to
re-subscribe (plus instructions on how to un-subscribe later).  This will
alleviate many of the "unsub me" requests.

ObjHumor:  Cryptic statement -
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, BUT I am not
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!

=================================================================
| Michael Kapfer  |    Team OS/2      |    Delfin Systems Inc   |
|-----------------|-------------------|-------------------------|
| Internet:  [e-mail]  |  Compuserve: 74200,2104 |
| Telephone: [phone]  x2150    |  [phone]         |
=================================================================
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:10:41 -0600
Reply-To:     Robert James <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert James <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms

Pauline,

        You forgot my favorite,
                an involuntary personal protein spill.



                                BJ in Beer Town
                        Bob James, Milwaukee, employed at
                          Medical College of Wisconsin
                             [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:18:06 -0600
Reply-To:     Andrew Wagner <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew Wagner <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms

>You forgot "Hurl"!


how 'bout coughing at the ants
or
BLEGGSHJDGFSRTFDFptuiSPLAT

Andy
-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/
      Perinatal Medicine...Saxophone...and whatever else interests me

                          From the e-mail desk of:
      Andrew F. Wagner                University of Wisconsin-Madison
      [e-mail]

"I love getting mail--just the fact that someone licked a stamp for you is
very reassuring."     --Thomas Magnum, "Magnum, P.I."
-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:25:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Guitar player joke + a stamp story

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Six.  One to change it, and five to say "I can do that better!"

A friend of mine says that when he was a child, he lived next to a woman who
was not noted for her mental agility.  When the post office announced that
postage stamps were being increased from three cents to four cents, she went
out and stocked up on three-cent stamps before they went up.

David
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:24:21 -0400
Reply-To:     Dwayne Joseph Desveaux <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dwayne Joseph Desveaux <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms
In-Reply-To:  <9403111412.AA11407@sparc>

Hello out there everyone! Just got suscribed to Humor and i am looking
for some new friends, do how about it... who wants to write me my first
letter?
          When a man and a woman get married they get a marriage licence.
          Well than, what do two women get when they get married?
          ...a lickher licence....
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:35:12 EDT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Julia Addison <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Engineering
Subject:      WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) (f

please forgive me if this has been on here before.

julia.


Subject: WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME)


Recent newspaper articles are touting a new treatment for impotence. The
treatment consists of injecting a drug into the base of the penis with a
small "painless" needle, almost guaranteeing an erection of massive
proportion ("The best ever in my life" says Joe F. Lacid). Not content to just
be big, it will last for TWO WHOLE HOURS.  Now, my question is,

WHAT WILL I DO FOR FOLLOWING HOUR & 55 MINUTES??????

Here are some suggestions:

1.  Use it as a lightning rod
2.  Set it up as a weather vane
3.  Try it as a swizzle stick (not a coffee stirrer)
4.  Play Tether Ball
5.  Use it as a fishing pole
6.  Be patriotic - use it as a Flag Pole
7.  Its a handy coat rack
8.  With an appropriate partner, its a Jousting Lance
9.  Play pool with your custom Cue Stick
10. Star Wars Light Sabre
11. A Flight Simulator Joy Stick
12. Drive around, use it as you Shift Lever
13. Summer Olympics - try the Pole Vault
14. Your own Karaoke Microphone
15. Its a Magic Wand - wave it at someone
16. Play Ball - Its a Fungo Bat

and

17. It can be your kitty's new scratching post













**********************************************************
* Julia M. Addison              |  I'm ready             *
* Biological Engineering        |  Ready for what's next *
* School of Engineering         |  Ready to duck         *
* University of Guelph          |  Ready to dive         *
* Guelph, ON, Canada, N1G 1J3   |  Ready to say          *
* [e-mail]  |  I'm glad to be alive. *
**********************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:47:30 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Kiddie animal jokes <for the young at heart>

Q: How do elephants get there flat feet?
A: Jumping out of trees

Q: Why do the elephants jump out of trees?
A: The hippopotamus pushes them.

Q: Why do you have to be out of the forest at 5 o'clock?
A: That's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Q: Why does the crocodile have a flat nose?
A: He was not out of the forest at five o'clock.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Squeeze it's trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it w/ a blue elephant
gun.

Q:  How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:  Unique up on it.

Q:  How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:  Tame way, unique up on it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:45:49 CST
Reply-To:     Matt=Campbell%Eng=Dev%DV3=[e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Matt Campbell <Matt=Campbell%Eng=Dev%DV3=[e-mail]>
Subject:      Funny News Headlines

FUNNY NEWS HEADLINES

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Stud tires out

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Eye drops off shelf

Teacher strikes idle kids

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Miners refuse to work after death

Squad helps dog bite victim

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

Two sisters reunited afster 18 years at checkout counter

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperature

Enfiels couple slain, police suspect homicide

=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:55:28 -0500
Reply-To:     Alan Rosenberg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Alan Rosenberg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Country Music . . .

More in the way of country song titles:

I'm Lyin' on my Back with Tears in my Ears,
Cryin' my Heart Out over You

It's So Lonely in the Saddle Since my Horse Died

I Dipped in the Sugar Bowl, but All I Got was Lumps

We Need a Whole Lot More of Jesus, and a Lot Less Rock 'n' Roll


Then, of course, there's the whole collection of jokes
of the form "She was only the -------'s daughter, but ...".
These generally need to be read aloud to be appreciated.


Examples:

She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.

She was only the telegrapher's daughter, but she didit, didit, didit.

She was only the bridgetender's daughter, but she always came across.


The list goes on .....
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:27:04 EST
Reply-To:     Ann Smith <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ann Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      One for you baseball fans

When baseball great Ty Cobb was 70, a reporter asked him, "What do you
think you'd hit if you were playing in this era?"

Cobb, a lifetime .367 hitter, said, "About .290, maybe .300."

The reporter nodded.  "That's because of the travel, the night games,
the artificial turf and all the new pitches like the slider, right?"

"No," said Cobb, "it's because I'm 70."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
     ______@______
    / \    |    / \     From the Desk of:  Ann Smith
   /   \   |   /   \                       University of Georgia
  /     \  |  /     \                      Law Library
 ^^^^^^^^^ | ^^^^^^^^^                     Athens, Georgia
     ==============                        [e-mail]

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:34:19 -0600
Reply-To:     Doug Cheatham <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Doug Cheatham <[e-mail]>

Unsubscribe Doug Cheatham
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:44:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      travelling-salesman-type joke (adult subject matter)

this travelling salesman is lost WAY out on some little, rural backroad in
tennessee [;)] and figures that he should probably stop someplace and get
some condoms, just in case he has to stop and spend the night at a farmhouse
and the farmer just *happens* to have a daughter.  he spots a general store
alongside the road, and stops and goes inside.

the only other person in the store is a sweet, young thing behind the
counter.  he goes up to her and says that he'd like to buy some 'rubbers.'
 she asks, "what size?" and he says, "no, i mean condoms."  well, she STILL
asks, "ok, what SIZE?"  he says that he's never heard of them being sized,
and asks how he can tell.

she explains, "wall, thar's this old fence, out back, y'see?  and it's got a
buncha holes cut in it.  all y'all gotta do is go out thar, start at the end
with the biggest hole, drop yore trousers, and stick yore *thang* in each
one a few times 'til y'all come to one thet fits."

well, he's never heard of such a thing, but figures he'll give it a try, and
goes out the front door and around back of the store.  quick as a wink,
though, the girl beats him there by going out the back door, and runs around
BEHIND the fence.  she hikes up her skirt and is waiting for him as he tries
out the first hole, and then the second, and the next, and the next and the
next!

when he finds one that fits, and she hears him heading back to the front of
the store, she beats him inside by way of the back door, again.

once he gets inside, she asks, pretty much out of breath, "well, whut size
ere ya?" and he says,
"never mind the rubbers!  cut me off about three feet of that fence!"

:)

be seeing you,

oxo
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:45:20 EST
Reply-To:     Lovesexy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lovesexy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Inbred Jokes

The call is out for inbred jokes. Here are a few starters. Some are from Shirol
ey Kennedy's Full Deck List. Others come from my Texas childhood, which placed
me in between Arkansas, Louisiana, and Oklahoma, those teeming hotbeds of genet
ic diversity.

Family tree doesn't fork
Gene puddle
Single-helix DNA --- the other strand just says, "ditto."
If you divorce her, is she still your cousin?
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
Comes from a long line of first cousins
"All right, you --- out of the gene pool, now!"

And, not an inbred joke, but a classic slam from Shirley,

His/her parents threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth.

Lovesexy
H: [phone]
W: [phone]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 11:26:45 EST
Reply-To:     Walsh Matthew CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Walsh Matthew CDT <[e-mail]>

UNSUBSCIRBE HUMOR [e-mail]









           it aint funny no more
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:55:01 -0800
Reply-To:     "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      odd thoughts

        First, to all those who enjoyed the Superman serial.  Sorry, I don't
have a copy of the entire series.  Perhaps unlike many people, I tend
to live in the present and try to leave no trace of my past [some witness
protection thing that I'd rather not go into-for tax purposes :)].  Hence,
I do not retain many thing from my past and is probably the reason I forget
who I am every morning until some greets me by name.
        If you would like a complete copy of the series I'm afraid your going
to have to do a little lane changing on the information superhighway.  I
suggest you go to the logs of humor (collector lanes for
[e-mail] next right and following four exits)
I think I started posting the series last Thursday or Wednesday at the earliest.
        'tis a pity that it has to be this way but my wife (a great dane<-no
typo) says it would be better for me to just forget my past and not worry
about all those jelly babies I ate as a child.

Now, as if that little piece wasn't odd, here's and odd thought:

If everybody in the world could fit into an Austin Mini
Would that mean Austin has started making station wagons?

-from the odd-thought files of Manfred Vivisection

Sincerely
the other man inside my head

*Man! I think I need more sleep.  This is getting to weird, even for me !

mike
        ----------------------------------------------------------------
        | Mike Smith                    | It's a dog eat dog world.     |
        | [e-mail]  | and from where I sit,         |
        | 604-371-5518                  | there just ain't enough dogs  |
        |                               |    -Skinny Puppy-             |
        ----------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 02:47:42 +0000
Reply-To:     MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A KNOWLEDGE OF Voo Doo is NECESSARY...
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Some members of the MAMI WATA cult were playing their version of cards.
The background music was "VEVER LAS VEGAS"(boom boom); and this was coming
from a pot in the background.
        The card game was getting hot and the older gent playing said "All
right, I'll see your Loa and raise you one Zombie".The other guy agreed
and the card game continued.As the game got hotter, one guy said " I'm
sorry, but I'll have to Loa the odds, is there anyway I can just play and
keep the spirit of the Jaime[pronounce the J as G]?".The others wanted to
feather their nest and got fairly snaky[ as in snake, but pronounced
sneaky ]."Well, I don't think so.Its not good for the image to play and
have no stake[ boom boom]."
        Some tourists came by and the little child was very excited at the
place he saw.He looked up at Mum and Dad, and said " Mommy, WHAT A CULT".
The chief, playing cards, turned around and said,"Son, you're good, so
what else do you know about us".

{Alright so its strictly for Voo Doo followers, so kill me already :-) }
CAMPBELL
( and don't say its not funny, if you know Voo Doo, it is)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 11:38:57 CST
Reply-To:     Andrew Wagner <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     To: [e-mail]
Comments:     Resent-From: "BHSU-Todd D Knutson" <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Originally-From: Andrew Wagner <[e-mail]>
From:         BHSU-Todd D Knutson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms

What about "Starting the Buick"
------------------------------- Original Message -------------------------------
>You forgot "Hurl"!


how 'bout coughing at the ants
or
BLEGGSHJDGFSRTFDFptuiSPLAT

Andy
-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/-\/
      Perinatal Medicine...Saxophone...and whatever else interests me

                          From the e-mail desk of:
      Andrew F. Wagner                University of Wisconsin-Madison
      [e-mail]

"I love getting mail--just the fact that someone licked a stamp for you is
very reassuring."     --Thomas Magnum, "Magnum, P.I."
-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:29:15 EST
Reply-To:     Ronald Revak <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ronald Revak <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Spew synonyms

These Spew Synonyms seem like they're going to become as annoying as
the musical condom songs and the one short of..  listings.  I suggest that
the these synonyms be sent directly to the person who requested them, and
not the entire list.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 13:31:19 EST
Reply-To:     Walsh Matthew CDT <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Walsh Matthew CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Returned mail: Recipient's mailbox too full to hol

Original-Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 10:44:02 CST
Original-From: [e-mail]

-----Transcript of session follows-----
[e-mail]: Recipient's mailbox too full to hold your e-mail.

-----Unsent message follows-----
From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 94 11:26:00 CST
Subject:


UNSUBSCIRBE HUMOR [e-mail]









           it aint funny no more
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:35:43 PST
Reply-To:     "Timothy L. Kohler" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Timothy L. Kohler" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      netiquette - Dear Emily Postnews

Emily Postnews on Netiquette


"Dear Emily Postnews"

Emily Postnews, foremost authority on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act on the net.



Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@noisy

A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you can. It's much more important than your article, of
course, so try to have more lines of signature than actual text.

Try to include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of cute quotes and slogans. People will never tire of
reading these pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally associated with the joy each reader
feels at seeing yet another delightful repeat of your signature.

Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each signature, to show how anybody can get mail to you from
any site in the world. Be sure to include Internet gateways as well. Also tell people on your own site how to mail to you.
Give independent addresses for Internet, UUCP, and BITNET, even if they're all the same.

Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and organization. It's just common courtesy -- after all, in
some newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to the top of your article to see this information in
the header.

By all means include your phone number and street address in every single article. People are always responding to usenet
articles with phone calls and letters. It would be silly to go to the extra trouble of including this information only in articles
that need a response by conventional channels!

------

Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. What should I do? -- forgetful@myvax

A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with
that last article. Here it is."

Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice,
juicy signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more about the signature anyway. See the previous
letter for more important details.

Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article. That way you're sure people will read it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:53:13 -0400
Reply-To:     Christopher Joseph MacDonald <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Christopher Joseph MacDonald <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

With 250 messages, it gets hard to keep track of my regular mail.
Please UNSUBSCRIBE me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 13:17:28 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Siddharth Taparia <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

PLEASE RELIEVE ME AND MY MIND FROM THIS SHIT.....
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:53:25 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      World War II Joke

Several American POWs were being spoken to by the commandant in charge of the
Stalig.

"Tomorrow, zee general vill be here to observe der camp. He likes efreyting
 to be in tick-tock order. Begin calling out now, going down zee row."

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tick

The commandant goes up to the offending prisoner, removes his glove, slaps the
prisoner's face with it and says,

"Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:52:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Larry.Prange" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Larry.Prange" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubscribe

Please unsubscirbe me from the humor list.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:07:28 -0400
Reply-To:     "M. K. Villard - AVC Health Management"
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "M. K. Villard - AVC Health Management"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: She was only a ...daughter...  mildly offense to some

Hi,

This is one from MacLean & MacLean...

        She was only a fisherman's daughter, but you should have seen
        here real when she saw my rod......


*SNICKER*

Have a good one,
        Kent
        [e-mail]
==============================================================================
  "Never try to teach a pig to sing, you waste your time and annoy the pig"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:02:40 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Richard Cherven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Inbred jokes...

"You go to your family reunion to pick up dates"


--
[]  [] [][][] [][][]  [][][] [][][]    |  This Message Was
[]  []   []   []   [] []__   []   []   |  Brought To You By
[]  []   []   [][][]  []~~   [][][]    |   Richard Cherven
  []   [][][] []      [][][] []   []   | "Isn't That Special?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:43:16 EST
Reply-To:     ADAM CHNG <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         ADAM CHNG <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HILARIOUS ONELINER HEADLINER..

Hilarious Oneliner Headline for the likes of "The Enquirer" and such..

Dog bit girl and claims in self defense,"She bit me first".

Doctors found cure to headache  by sawing off patient's head

Discovered: Russian scientists torture whales for advanced technology

Lawyer sue dog for urinating on him

Bush seen playing golf with Saddam Hussein

Doctors claim patient rip his own heart out during heart surgery and died

Students fire professor after getting bad grades

"My homework was stolen by aliens",boy gives excuse to teacher

For sale: World Trade Center, "fair condition" No guarantees. Fix it yourself

Cat sues dog in dispute over territorial grounds. Case taken to Supreme Court

Dog bit child and claims she took his rubber bone

Dog bit boy and claims he looked like meat from his perspective

Dog bit girl and girl bit him back, harder

Baby saves dog drowning in pool

World Trade Center Fell  down and new concrete island was created

Boy bit dog in revenge for his sister bitten by the same dog

Well, contributions needed to continue this. Mail them to Humor not me!

õõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõ
õ Adam Chng                           õ
õ School of Engineering               õ
õ City College of New York            õ
õ [e-mail]               õ
õõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõõ
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:27:48 -0500
Reply-To:     Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Music and Religion

From world!news.kei.com!ddsw1!panix!panix.com!edp Fri Mar 11 15:06:31 1994
Xref: world rec.music.bluenote:36359
Path: world!news.kei.com!ddsw1!panix!panix.com!edp
From: [e-mail] (Ed Price)
Newsgroups: rec.music.bluenote
Subject: Cannibalistic rhythmic orgies Yes!
Date: 2 Mar 1994 18:03:04 -0500
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC
Lines: 56
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: panix.com


    The custodians of public morals were profoundly shocked by the rise of
  syncopated music in America at the turn of the century.  The *Musical
  Courier*, in an editorial entitled "Degenerate Music", published in its
  issue of September 13, 1899, took note of the new peril: "A wave of vulgar,
  filthy and suggestive music has inundated its obscene posturings, its lewd
  gestures....  Our children, our young men and women, are continually
  exposed to the contiguity, to the monotonous attrition of this vulgarizing
  music.  It is artistically and morally depressing, and should be suppressed
  by press and pulpit."
    The Most Reverend Francais J. L. Beckman, Archbishop of Dubuque, told the
  National Council of Catholic Women at Biloxi, Mississippi, on October 25,
  1938: "A degenerated and demoralizing musical system is given to a
  disgusting christening as 'swing' and turned loose to gnaw away the moral
  fiber of young people....  Jam sessions, jitterbugs and cannibalistic
  rhythmic orgies are wooing our youth along the primrose path to Hell!"
    In Russia, American popular music was damned as "a rhthymically organized
  chaos of deliberately ugly neuro-pathological sounds".  American jazz band
  leaders were described in Soviet publications as "jazz bandits".
    Maxim Gorky, to whom American dance music was a capitalist perversion,
  reported his impression of a jazz band concert in these words: "An idiotic
  little hammer knocks drily: one, two, three, ten, twenty knocks.  Then,
  like a clod of mud thrown into crystal-clear water, there is wild
  screaming, hissing, rattling, wailing, moaning, cackling.  Bestial cries
  are heard: neighing horses, the squeal of a brass pig, crying jackasses,
  amorous quacks of a monstrous toad....  This excruciating medley of brutal
  sounds is subordinated to a barely perceptible rhythm.  Listening to this
  screaming music for a minute or two, one conjures up an orchestra of
  madmen, sexual maniacs, led by a man-stallion beating time with an enormous
  phallos."
    Sir Richard R. Terry saw in jazz a challenge to the white race.  He wrote
  in *Voodoism in Music*: "The White races just now are submerged in a spate
  of negroid sentiment.  Hot Jazz, Fox Trots and Black Bottoms occupy the
  young folk; Negro Spirituals send the adults into tears; the Crooner wails
  his erotic inanities every night over the Radio.  We have reached the stage
  of a spineless acceptance of all these phenomena....  We may see no
  paganism in what we deem mere harmless amusements, but the observant
  onlooker cannot fail to see that in the not too far distant future the
  Catholic Church will be standing as the one barrier in the path of the
  pagan advance."
    Jazz was assailed as the work of Satan by the English composer and
  theosophist Cyril Scott: "After the dissemination of jazz, which was
  definitely put through by the Dark Forces, a very marked decline in sexual
  morals became noticeable.  Whereas at one time women were content with
  decorous flirtation, a vast number of them are now constantly preoccupied
  with the search for erotic adventures, and have thus turned sexual passion
  into a species of hobby."

Nicolas Slonimsky, _Lexicon of Musical Invective_

(Just bought a copy at the Strand today ($6) and I read this and thought it
might amuse some of you too!  Now I'm late for class...)

Ciao,

-Ed

-------------------------------
Brought to you by:

        [e-mail]
        Jascha Franklin-Hodge
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:27:55 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jim Duffen Mu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Wrigley Field

I saw this billboard in a Sports magazine that I thought was funny
and I thought I would share it with you.  It was in Chicago when
they first decided to put lights at Wrigley Field.  The billboard
said "Give me a light, no Bud Light."

Jim
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:37:46 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Robert Goodmon Mu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      amish

What goes clippied-clop, bang-bang,clippied-clop, bang-band?



An Amish drive by shooting.




Bob
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:01:45 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael Denja <[e-mail]>
Subject:      !!!!!!!

This unsubscribe shit is outta control!!!!

How the hell did these people ever get on the system??????

Is this a joke. No it's a nightmare. In fact if it wasn't for the 20
UNSUBSCRIBE messages a day there wouldn't be so much mail!!!!!!!!


--
|==============================|           [e-mail]
|       Michael Denja          |
| Eastern Michigan University  | Dedicated to Truth, Justice, Life
|==============================| Liberty and the Pursuit of Hapiness
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:13:56 -0500
Reply-To:     "Martin A. Thompson" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Martin A. Thompson" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR Digest - 10 Mar 1994 to 11 Mar 1994 - Special issue

technicolour yawn
driving the porcelain bus
praying to the porcelain god
throw up
puke
heave
spit up
up-chuck
ralph
honk

how's about talkin' ta Bula on the big white telephone
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 12:38:33 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         List John Hinkle <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unwritten book titles...

how 'bout:

        - "A Trip to the Outhouse"      by: Willie makit
                                        narrated by: betty wont
                                        illustrated by: andy did

        - "Trails in the Sand"          by: dick dragin

        - "Under the Bleachers"         by: semour butts

        (and the ever so popular)
        - The Yellow River"             by: eye p. freely

*** let's see some more, these ARE funny***

john


        **********************************************************
        * "ticking away the moments that make up a dull day...   *
        * ...you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way. *
        * kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town. *
        * waiting for someone or something to show you the way"  *
        *        _pink floyd_DSOTM                               *
        **********************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:49:31 EST
Reply-To:     Andrew Hersey <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew Hersey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      grasshopper joke

ok, so this grasshopper goes into a bar, sits down on a stool. bartender
comes up to him, says "hey, you know, we have a drink named after you"

the grasshopper says "you have a drink named melvin?"
Andrew Hersey <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:53:38 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was ANDER14_SARA@BENTLEY
From:         Sarah Anderson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      spew

        You forgot the all-so-important

***Worshiping the porcelin GOD****

        not to mention the childhood favorite of
**tossing your cookies****
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:53:21 CST
Reply-To:     "McGrath, Lisa" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "McGrath, Lisa" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Vampires

     Best if spoken aloud with a vampire-ish accent:


     A vampire walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "I vant
     a glass of blooood".  So the bartender gets him his glass of blood.  A
     little while later another vampire walks into the bar, goes up to the
     bartender and says "I vant a glass of blooood".  So the bartender
     gives him a glass of blood also.  The two vampires are sitting there
     sipping on their blood when in walks a third vampire.  He walks up to
     the bartender and says " I vant a glass of plaaasma".  The bartender
     says "Plasma?  What's plasma?"  "Why you know," said the third vampire
     "Blood Lite!"


     Sorry if its old - the recent vampire and Bud Light jokes just brought
     it to mind.

     Keep up the great jokes,
     Lisa
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:48:58 -0600
Reply-To:     Wendell E Gragg <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Wendell E Gragg <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Song (Clean)

A group of my 5th grade computer students made up this song about Tonya
Harding, to be sung to the tune of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.

Where in the World is Tonya Harding's Crowbar

Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar?
She was beat in the Olympics,
by her bub Nancy Kerrigan.
Once she heard she had got a medal,
She wanted to beat her knee again.
Then she'd take Nancy for a walk,
by her future bloody graveyard.  Tell me,

Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar? (repeat)

Did she leave it up in Norway?
Did she leave it in the rink?
I guess that if she had it, she'd say,
"Nancy, you realy stink!"
Then she'd use her metal armor and turn Nancy's knee all red,
Tell me,

Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar? (repeat)

Written by:  Melissa Stearns, Kara Wolf, Amanda Lewis
Dedicated to Nancy Kerrigan.

Not bad for a group of 5th graders!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:12:27 CST
Reply-To:     CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         CC931CC <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FUNNY SAYINGS

If anyone knows of some funny sayings please post.  I know a few and
thought I'd share them with you.

I'm busier than a button on an outhouse door.

It's so nice outside, I think I'll leave it out.

It's so cold outside it could freeze a freckle off a frogs ass.

It's colder than a witches tit

He's as helpful as a rubber crutch

These just came to mind, but if anyone out there has more to add, please
do so.

Thank you.
Wendy Meagher/Meagher@TCUCVMS
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:16:17 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A priest joke, and a plea for help

First the plea (I've tried sending this privately to those concerned,
but it bounced back)

PLEASE. Quit the damned lists of tunes, condoms, country songs, synonyms,
etc. I know that your intention is not to simply multiply the amount of
junk mail we all get, but that is the inevitable result of posting
requests for these stupid lists. If you spend any time on this list, you
will notice an incredible rise in the number of morons posting unsub
messages at the same time that these high-volume/un-funny threads are
running. Think about it. This is a direct manifestation of the irritation
you are causing innocent (albeit stupid) list subscribers. Please stop.
Pretty please.

And now we resume our regular programming......

A truck driver was thundering along the country roads of rural Arizona
when he passed a priest peering uncertainly under the hood [excuse all
the American terminoloy] an apparently disabled vehicle. Now our
truck driver friend had an absolute loathing for hitch-hikers, but in
good conscience he could not pass by a priest, so he pulled up and
offered him a lift into the nearest town. The priest was suitably
grateful for the offer, and they set off down the road.

As luck would have it [and certainly convenient for the joke :)], a
few miles later there was a coyote sleeping in the road. Now if there was
one thing the trucker hated more than hitch-hikers, it was coyotes, but
having the priest right next to him made things a little awkward.
Nevertheless, the trucker managed to feign a terrible foot cramp at
just the right moment, and ground the coyote under his wheels with
a satisfying SQUISH! "Oh Jesus Christ! I mean, oh golly gosh! That
was terrible father. What a terrible moment to get a cramp!"

"That's all right my son. Just between you and me, I'm not too fond
of coyotes anyway."

They continued down the road, and again as luck would have it they
came across a hippy, hitch hiking by the road side. Now if there was
one thing the trucker hated more than hitch-hikers or coyotes, it
was hippies. A hitch-hiking hippy was surely more than man was intended
to have to suffer. Unfortunately the priest definitely made things
difficult. Thinking quickly, the trucker closed his eyes, yawned
loudly, and faked falling dead asleep at the wheel, giving the truck
just a little more gas up onto the roadside where the hippy was
standing. Seeing impending death in the shape of an 18-wheeler, the
hippy sprang back from the roadside and was clearly about to make good
his escape, much to the disgust of the trucker, when suddenly there
was a satisfying KERTHUMP! and the trucker heard..

"That's all right my son. I got him with the door."


Jeff F.         [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 18:23:51 -0500
Reply-To:     "MARK A. ADAMS" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "MARK A. ADAMS" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      How to Unsubscribe

For all of you morons who don't know how to unsubscribe, you simply
send a letter to:
                [e-mail]
with no subject and the following body:
                SIGNOFF HUMOR

That's it.  I really don't want any more unsubscribe letters so do it this
way and quit sending them to humor.

Mark.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 18:56:06 EST
Reply-To:     Alan Levy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Alan Levy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      possibly religous offense

I saw this on a bumper sticker that was originaly one of those "JESUS SAVES"
bumper stickers. But someone put some graffitti on it to make it hilarious.
Here it is:

 JESUS SAVES -- Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, HE SCORES!!!!


Hope you liked it.  [8*)
ALAN
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:09:01 PST
Reply-To:     Jay Sandhu <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Environmental Systems Research Institute
From:         Jay Sandhu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      old polish joke (clean)

Here is a joke that was told to me by a polish friend of mine:

In a train, travelling is a Russian military man, a Polish young woman,
a Polish old woman and (Alas) a Polish man. The train goes through a
tunnel and everyone hears a big smooch and following it, a loud slap;
once out of the tunnel, the atmosphere seemes to be as calm as before
but everyone is reflecting upon the two sounds heard in the tunnel.

The Old woman is thinking: "Ha! our Polish girls are so brave, this
Russian tried to kiss her and got what he deserved, long live Poland".

The Young girl is thinking: "The Russian must have tried to kiss me but
kissed the old woman instead and got what he deserved, long live
Poland".

The Russian is thinking: "The Polish man must have kissed the young
girl and she, thinking that I had done that, slaped me".

And the Polish man is thinking: "Ha! Ha!, I kissed the back of my hand
and slaped the Russian bastard and no body was any wiser".
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:58:00 PST
Reply-To:     "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
              <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Wayland Wasserman (temp)"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      FW: Believe it or not

and you thought you had bad luck......

 ----------



<fowards pulverized>

                     Cockroach Slain, Husband Badly Hurt

                                  Reuters

Tel Aviv

An Israeli housewife's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her
husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the
Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.

The wife, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living
room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of
insecticide on it when it refused to die.

Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a
cigarette.  When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide
fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.

 When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so
hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the
stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 22:27:25 EST
Reply-To:     Joe Sexton <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Joe Sexton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubscribe

UNSUBSCRIBE HUMOR JOE SEXTON

Too many messages, not enough humor.


Joe Sexton

Work Phone: [phone]
Work Fax: [phone]
InterNet: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 23:17:03 -0500
Reply-To:     Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jascha Franklin-Hodge <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: A COUNTRY LIST...

The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Mar 1994 21:40:35 -0800
Reply-To:     Tom Welbers <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tom Welbers <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Their Way"--inoffensive except to dour academics

                                THEIR WAY

             (Sung to Frank Sinatra's "My Way," of course.)

I came, brought all my books, lived in the dorm, followed directions.
I worked, I studied hard, met lots of folk who had connections.
I crammed, they gave me grades, though may I say, not in a fair way.
But more, much more than this, I did it their way.

I memorized all sorts of things, although I know I'll never use them.
The courses that I took were all required; I didn't choose them.
I learned that to survive it's best to act the doctrinaire way.
And so I buckled down, and did it their way.

But there were times, I wondered why I had to walk when I could fy.
I had my doubts, but after all, I clipped my wings, I learned to crawl,
I learned to bend, and in the end, I did it their way.

And so, my fine young friend, now that I am a full professor,
Where once I was oppressed, I've now become the cruel oppressor.
Like me, you'll learn to cope, you'll learn to climb life's golden stairway.
Like me, you'll see the light, you'll do it their way.

For what can I say, what can I do?  Open your book, read chapter two.
And if to you, it seems routine, don't speak to me, go see the dean.
As long as they give me my pay, I'll do it  . . . their way!

(Words by Bob Blue, sung by Michael Cooney on Prairie Home Companion,
April 18, 1987.  Transcribed from broadcast by Tom Welbers.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 01:01:10 -0500
Reply-To:     Carol Goodman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Carol Goodman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

Have I died and gone to "e-mail hell"?  No, I'm not trying to make the
unsubscribe awards, I really want out.  Pretty please UNSUBSCRIBE me.

                                            Carol Goodman

=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 00:39:50 CST
Reply-To:     Dana Goodrich <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dana Goodrich <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: FUNNY SAYINGS (Clean)
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>; from "CC931CC" at Mar 11,
              94 4:12 pm

In an earlier life in Texas, the topics of humor often turned to "How hot
was it?"  Of all I've heard, my favorite was "It was so hot, I saw a robin
use a potholder to pull a worm out of the ground."

Now that I'm a neo-Plainsman, Nebraska-variety, I understandably hear more
"How cold was it?" jokes.  Given my distaste for barratry, my favorite is:
"It's so cold lawyers are keeping their hands in their own pockets."

Again from Texas, home of many colorful colloquialisms, comes "If I tell
you a hen dips snuff, you can check under her wing."  A variant that I
prefer is one I often heard my brother say, "If I tell you a rooster will
pull a locomotive, you can hook him up."  Ironic, given my brother's
prevarications (but then he is a Texan!).

Dana Goodrich
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 14:46:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean - kids and inspectors

In the UK there is a system of school inspectors, who are
employed to go around schools checking that the education
provided is of the appropriate standard, etc.

Mr Scrithens, one of Her Majesty's Inspectors, was visiting
Ugthorpe School. As part of his inspection he decided to spend
some time in class 1D with the 12-year olds. When he entered the
class Mr Arforth, the teacher, was teaching the class on
religious studies. As required Mr Scrithens needed to ask some of
the students questions on the subject being taught to see how
they were progressing. As the children were preparing to draw a
picture Mr Scrithens asked Mr Arforth the name of the boy sat
alone in the back corner. Mr Arforth told him, "Maclean - Dunce
Maclean".
Mr Scrithens approached the boy and asked, "Who knocked down the
Walls of Jerico, Maclean?"
Dunce's eyes widened and he looked frantically around. He gulped
and stammered, "P-p-please s-s-sir. It - it w-wasn't m-me, s-sir!
Honest, s-s-sir."
Mr Scrithens said, "Do you mean to tell me that you don't know
who knocked down the Walls of Jericho, Maclean?"
Dunce flinched and whimpered, "No sir."
Mr Scrithens went to Mr Arforth and said, "I asked Maclean who
knocked down the Walls of Jericho and he replied that it wasn't
him! What have you got to say to that?"
Mr Arforth replied, "Well, the lad's a bit of a nuisance at times
and not too bright, but I have to say that if he said that he
didn't do it, then I'd say he was telling the truth."
Appalled Mr Scrithens went to the headmaster and said, "In class
1D I approached one of the children and asked who knocked down
the Walls of Jericho. The child replied that it wasn't him. When
I told this to Mr Arforth he said that he believed the boy! Do
you have any comment?"
The headmaster replied, "Yes, well we do tend to put all of our
educationally disadvantaged students in class 1D, but Mr Arforth
is one of our most experienced teachers. One of his strengths is
that he gets to know his students very well and if he says that
the boy didn't knock down the walls of Jericho, then I fully
support him."
That afternoon Mr Scrithens met with the local education
committee to give his report. He said, "I believe that there is a
serious problem at this school. I asked a boy there who knocked
down the Walls of Jericho and the boy replied that it wasn't him!
When I told his teacher he told me that he believed the boy! When
I told the headmaster he told me that he supported what the
teacher had said! Now I'd like to hear exactly what your
committee intends to do about this terrible state of affairs.
Something must be done."
The committee went to one corner to discuss the matter and after
a few minutes came back to the meeting table. The chairman said
to Mr Scrithens, "This is indeed a serious matter and we are
grateful for your reporting it to us; however, we don't think
that it's necessary to make too much fuss about it. So, as soon
as school is over for the week we'll arrange for one of our
repairmen to go round and fix the wall."

Mike R

PS
Can we stick to the humour and leave Bill to run the list?
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 00:48:37 CST
Reply-To:     David Christian <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Items for the list

First, my two cents worth...I agree that some of the lists do go on past the
point where they are humorous, and I feel we, as subscribers to the list,
should honor what Bill has asked many, MANY times...keep the postings humorous
and follow the rules!  If you want to unsubscribe, send the message to the
LISTSERV, not the Humor!  If you want to make a list, fine, give us examples,
but then do as the person who wanted the "Stupid as a ___________" submissions
did and tell the list she has enough, thank you very much!  I, myself, like
really bad jokes, the groaners, and I collect them whenever I find them, but I
won't ask for them via the net, rather have you send them directly to me.  If
I do post one of these jokes, I will give credit where credit is due...Well,
that's the end of my drunken tirade (I've got a reason to be drunk, I was out
celebrating the fact i got into graduate school finally...so there!)

Obligatory humor (see, I didn't forget, and I'm four sheets to the wind!)
How many surealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish...
Alternative answer:  Two.  One to skin the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with jell-o.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it has to be willing to change on it's own first.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

My contribution to the funny sayings list:  It's darker than a coal miner's
lungs.

It's colder than my ex-fiansee.

If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'.


Anyway, I'm outta here until next time.  Remember, to unsubscribe, mail the
listserv, not humor...

                                Smiles and such,
                                    David
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 09:20:57 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Dan Popovici <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gay Joke

Did you know there won't be a St-Patrick's Day Parade in Boston
this year?

It's because of two gay irishmen Gerald FitzHenry and Henry FitzGerald.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 15:39:25 MET-1
Reply-To:     Zsebe Marta <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Zsebe Marta <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Voo Doo

This is a circulating message which was sent to the games discussion
list. I think it is a proper answer to the Voo Doo chain:
Sorry for the occasional mistakes, originally it was translated from
Portuguese by the sender.
Hope you'll enjoy it.



------------------- CUT HERE -----------------------------------------


                P Y R A M I D

This pyramid is for married men.
MONEY IS NOT NECESSARY.
Make five copies and post it to a friend of your entire confidence. After
this, pack your wife and send her to the first name of the list, add your
name at the botton of the list. At the time when your name reach the top
of the list, you will receive 16,476 women, some of them could be very
interesting.

Don't break the chain: one guy did it and receive his wife back with his
mother-in-law. A friend of mine that didn't do it, receive 82 women at
this post. Today is his burial. He had a smile on his lips that I never
had seen before in my life.

DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN AND DIE HAPPY.

                F R E E  G I F T

For your interest in the pyramid, here's a model of a letter to dismiss
your wife.

Dear ex-wife:

        Since you didn't have time to talk with me, I did the statistics
that I'm sending with as a recomendation letter, once that this subject
upset you easily. During the last year, I had' tried to seduce you 365
times, and being successful onlu 36 times. Below is the motive of my
unsuccess:

        Because it could wake up the children: ........ 48 times
        Because was cold: ............................. 26 times
        Because was hot: .............................. 34 times
        Because was tired: ............................ 43 times
        Because was with headache: .................... 27 times
        Because was with stomachache: ................. 36 times
        Because was not in a good mood: ............... 49 times
        Because was in `that days': ................... 36 times
        Because the nail varnish wasn't dry: .......... 30 times

                                        Total: ....... 329 times

In this 36 that I have success, she wasn't satisfied because:

        10 times she says that I hurried and finished too fast;
        12 times I had to wake up her to say that I had finished yet;
        1 time you kick that place...
        2 times I miss my inpiration when you comment that the ceiling
need a new painting;
        11 times I though that you was dead, because you didn't move.

                                A kiss,


                                        Your ex-husband.
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Mar 1994 15:29:46 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      School room math jokes

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

---

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.

---

And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) :

    Q:  What's the title of this picture ?

              ..  .. ____ ..  ..
               \\===/======\\==
                ||  |    |  ||
                ||  |____|  ||
                || (      ) ||
                ||  \____/  ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||          ||
                ||    (\    ||
                ||    ) )   ||
                ||  //||\\  ||

    A:  Hypotenuse

---

    Q:  What quantity is represented by this ?

                 /\         /\         /\
                /  \       /  \       /  \
                /  \       /  \       /  \
               /    \     /    \     /    \
               /    \     /    \     /    \
              /______\   /______\   /______\
                 ||         ||         ||
                 ||         ||         ||

    A:  9,  tree + tree + tree

    Q:  A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
    A:  99,  dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree

    Q:  Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
        one per tree, how many is that ?
    A:  100,  dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
               + dirty tree and a turd

---

Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered
    "Polynomial.  Polygon."

---

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.

---

Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.

---

A physics joke:

    "Energy equals milk chocolate square"

---

Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"